Love Within yourself

“And we have created man in the best form.” Surah At-Tin:4

This is for the ones who lost themselves. For anyone who thinks they’re not good enough. We’ve all been through that.

Often, we let bad negative vibes gets to us. We let them consume us. We let others define us. We let society shapes us. Often as well do we let others have their way with us. We blame ourselves for not being good enough. We hate everything about ourselves that we forgot that Allah has created us in the best of form. He even mentioned it in Surah At-Tin, 4th ayah. We are perfectly created by Him. That is enough reassurance, isn’t it? But no, we’re humans who always wants more than what we’re given.

Years back, I was almost too lost. Almost in the most pitiful state I could ever be. I let myself be swayed by the world and its temptation. I was doing all the wrong things – clubbing every other weekend, chilling at the bar almost too often, wearing revealing clothes. I knew back then my actions were wrong yet I was ignorant of it. I was guilty yet I put that feeling at the back of my mind. It was the only way I could thought of to fill in the voids in my heart. Even then, I was still not happy. It was as if there were something missing. I want to look for it but I didn’t know what is it. Growing up, even though I learn the fundamentals of my religion and its teaching, I rarely practice them. I knew Allah exists yet I wasn’t too sure if he ever listens to me. Yet, at that time, my heart spoke out of sadness to Him.

“O Allah, I know you’re there and I believe that you know what is in my heart. Is this your way of calling me home? Calling me to you? If it is, give me a sign or show me a way to you and ease my affairs for me”

For a week, while I was at work or outside, the people who walked passed me were women donning the hijab. As a free hair, I felt guilty but I was in love with every sight. It was like a tug in my heart and I knew right away that I want to start donning it and I did. My colleagues weren’t very happy with my decision but I didn’t care. I haven’t felt anywhere near content before wearing this. So, I stood by my decision. Around the same time, I start to recite the Quran. It had been too long since I last read. I stumbled on my recitation but my heart was at ease. Reading the Quran wasn’t enough. My heart wanted something more.

Until I started to pray. At 3am in the morning. My first prayer after many years. I remembered clearly the feeling that enveloped me that morning. It was one of serene. Almost as if Allah Himself was embracing me. My knees almost went weak. There were too many emotions going on but I was sure of one thing and that was, I’m home.

“Wa’idza sa’alaka i’badi a’nni fa’inni qoribun ujibu da’watad dai idza da’an”
And when My servants ask you concerning Me, then surely, I am very near; I answer the prayer of the supplicant when he calls on Me. – Al-Baqarah:186

Allah heard me. I knew right then that I won’t turn back. This is where I want to be. This is what I want to feel. This contentment that nothing and no one in this world could provide. I started to try being steadfast and consistent. It was the hardest battle between me and my nafs over the years since then. I failed too many times to the world’s temptation but caught myself before I could go down any further.

In my own battle, Allah sets hurdle in my life. The kind I wish He could take away the second He gave to me. I know I was going to fail yet I steadied my heart and set my foot my His journey. Despite the many times I fail, the tug at my heart is what keeps me trying to keep on getting back up.

In my own battle, I learn to let go of so many things that does not benefit me. At the same time losing a lot of things and people along the way. People I thought were friends and those I thought would be with me till the end. Allah put them out of my life and me out of their life but He gives me better friends who constantly pulls me towards the good. Friends who advice and really took their time and went out of their way for me just as I would do them. Allah is fair.

In my own battle, I learn to love myself and be forgiving. I learn to forgive and forget. I learn to accept the qada’ and qadr of Allah. I was taught to be more mindful of my speech and action and I become more responsible of myself. I learn to respect myself which makes me change the way I dress. I learn to put barriers between me and the people around me so that I don’t fall into the place I was once from. Most of all I learn to accept my flaws and flaws of the people around me.

So, hold on to the rope of Allah. For He never disappoint you. Steadfastness is a battle between you and your nafs. It is not easy but it is worth it. Trust that Allah has created you in the best form, therefore love yourself and let go of the negativity that people put on you. You are not obligated to shoulder the negativity they throw at you. Believe that Allah is Most Merciful and Most Forgiving. Allah is Al Afuww. He is Ar Rahman and Ar Rahim.
Know that He is Al Wadud. The Most Loving. The one who loves you the most and He will pick you up. You have to believe that IF you reach out to Him, He will reach out to you. That every afflictions and difficulties Allah gives you is His way of calling you closer to Him because He miss you. He loves you and wants to give you goodness.

And above all, I wish you would find the love you deserve in you and your Creator because that is the greatest form of Love. This goes out to the ones who lost themselves. For anyone who thinks they’re not good enough. We’ve all been through that. You just have to believe and hold onto your faith.

Nur Atikah 
nuratikah.kms@gmail.com
Visit Nur Atikah Website

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